The Rednex incident

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• Latest update: 7 December. Next update: 21 December. (Submissions welcome.)

• Latest from BRK: “Flashmob”, Parts 9‑10.

 

[Six people in a conference room, the men in shirts and ties, the women in crisp business attire, no jackets on anyone. It’s late on a Friday. The wall of windows facing out on the city is already showing encroaching nightfall, a cascade of thousands of lit windows against shadowed buildings and a darkening sky.]

Chuck: … and, anyhoo, that’s what I think. So what do you say? Should we get started on my ideas?

Ogden: [grits teeth, glaring blindly at the conference table]

Luís: [eyeing Ogden warily] We’ll… take it under advisement.

[On this cue three of the attendees jump up and vacate the room as quickly as they can, murmuring to themselves and vanishing quickly into the otherwise deserted office floor, leaving Chuck, Ogden, and Luís]

Chuck: Oh. Okay.

Luís: Hey, it’s pretty late, and I’m due at a barstool somewhere. Why don’t I talk to the other project leads and follow up with you after the weekend?

Chuck: Oh! Sure, that’d be great. Thanks, uh—[glances nervously at Ogden] uh, Louie, I appreciate it.

Luís: No problem. [as Chuck gets up to leave] Say hi to Margie for me!

Chuck: [waving cheerily from the conference room door] Will do, will do! Thanks, you’re the best! [leaves]

Luís: [looking Ogden over] You, uh, doing okay there, big guy?

Ogden: [growls quietly in the back of his throat]

Luís: [snorts] That bad, huh?

Ogden: [grabbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers] I literally had fifteen things I needed to be doing tonight before I signed out for the weekend. Fif–teen.

Luís: Yeah, this meeting was a supremely pointless waste of an hour and ten minutes. Or even just the ten minutes.

Ogden: And it didn’t even pertain to me! I didn’t need to be sucked into this meeting at all! I’m UI and this was all backend logistics!

Luís: And total crap.

Ogden: And total fucking crap. Half those ideas were thrown out in dev. And the rest should’ve been.

Luís: His code is shit, too. I swear, that guy doesn’t know an if-then from a while-wend.

Ogden: How the fuck did he get hired?

Luís: I do not know. I suspect bastard cousin. [spots something on the table] Oh, shit.

Ogden: What now? [looks] He left his phone. So?

Luís: It’s not just the phone. It’s the ringtone he uses for all his calls. We need to get out of here now, before that thing goes off and it’s too late.

Ogden: [in a low, dark tone, eyeing the phone suspiciously] Why? How bad could it be?

Luís: [already getting up from his chair] Three words, big guy. Cotton … Eye … Joe.

Ogden: [stares at Luís]

Luís: [nods]

Ogden: No way.

Luís: Way.

Ogden: Nobody’s that heartless.

Luís: Chuck is, dude, I promise. We need to go. If that thing goes off, we’re going to have Nineties Swedish country-folk Eurodance yee-haw music lodged in our brains for weeks.

Ogden: [jumping to his feet] That FUCKER! [hands flexing and unflexing]

Luís: Oggie, come on.

Ogden: [raging] What kind of asshole—!

Luís: [tugging at his arm] Come on

Ogden: Why would someone even—!

Phone: [lights up]

Luís and Ogden: [they both freeze, staring at it]

Phone: If it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe
  I’d been married a long time ago
  Where did you come from, where did you go?
  Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

[they stare at it]

[beat]

Phone: If it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye Joe
  I’d been married a long time ago
  Where did you come from, where did you go?
  Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?

[beat]

Phone: If it hadn’t been for Cotton-Eye J——

Ogden: [shirt shreds into ribbons as he busts out of it] Goo-o-odd DAMN IT! [brings his fist down on the phone so hard it smashes into a million pieces and cracks the thick wooden conference table underneath for good measure]

Luís: [backs away fast, almost falling backwards over one of the chairs] Whoooooooa… duuuuude…

Ogden: [panting, glaring sightlessly at where the phone used to be, still red-faced with fury]

Luís: [stares at Ogden’s face] Dude… [eyes drift down Ogden’s suddenly uber-muscled body] duuuuuude…

Ogden: [focusing on him with an effort] What?

Luís: [”Well?” face]

Ogden: [growling, challenging him] Wha-a-at?!

Luís: [moving toward him] Do you want to maybe talk about how all your muscles just, like, doubled in size, and you basically turned into my fucking wet dream?

Ogden: [warningly, taking a step back] Lu—

Luís: [babbling, loosening his tie and inching closer] You’re like the biggest aesthetic muscle god ever. I mean, I’ve been pumping iron since I was in diapers and I still look more like a hot magazine-cover tennis celeb than anyone with any kind of actual bulk, but, dude, you just went from, like, built to impossibly swole in—

Ogden: Stop. [glaring at him hard enough to strip paint] Nothing. Happened. You understand?

Luís: [just as intensely, moving in, surprising Ogden] I beg. To. Differ! [rips wrecked remnants of Ogden’s blue dress shirt off him with both hands, leaving him huge and exposed from the waist up]

Ogden: [warningly, but distracted by Luís’s lustful stare] Don’t. Just walk away and forget you saw anything. This isn’t a thing you want to be, um, thinging with.

Luís: [moving closer and stroking his enormous, perfectly sculpted, lightly hairy chest] Was it the gamma rays, big guy? You can tell me.

Ogden: [backing away] Don’t! You don’t want to do this.

Luís: [following after, running hands possessively over the massive square chest, cannon-thick arms, and diamond-cut ten-pack] You know me better than that.

Ogden: [taking another step back, breathing hard] You don’t—you shouldn’t—

Luís: [following, stroking his hugely muscled torso more aggressively] Shouldn’t. Can’t help it. I think, literally. You’re putting off something, pheromones or something. And heat, and raw, sweet sex. What you’re selling is everything I need. [takes a step back and speed-shucks his dress shirt, somehow managing to leave the tie loose around his neck, eyeing Ogden hungrily the whole time]

Ogden: [backs against floor-to-ceiling window with a thump as Luís resumes groping him] Don’t. Please. I won’t be able to—can’t keep hiding my true—fuck, Lu, please

Luís: [ominously] This isn’t even all the way?

Ogden: [pleading] Lu. Buddy. You have to stop! I won’t be able to leave the—

Luís: [insistent] If there’s more of you in there, like hell am I going to—

Chuck: [appearing suddenly at the door] Hey, guys. Long time no see! Hey, did I leave my phone in here?

[Luís and Ogden stare at him, frozen in tableau with Ogden a half-foot taller and hugely muscled and Luís’s hands plastered against Ogden’s massive chest, both shirtless and breathing hard]

Luís: [tries not to look at smashed bits of phone scattering the cracked conference table]

Chuck: [smiles expectantly]

Luís: Nope.

Ogden: Not here.

Luís: Sorry, buddy.

Chuck: [surprised but cheerful] Huh. Okay, no worries, I’ll leave you guys to it then. See you Monday! [turning away, to himself] Must have gone under the car seat, or… [his muttering fades away as he disappears into the darkened, empty office floor]

Luís: [stares up at Ogden]

Ogden: [stares down at Luís]

[beat]

Ogden: Fuck it. [pulls him up into a punishing kiss]

Luís: [when they finally break the kiss] Fuck, Oggie, we should’ve done that ages—

Ogden: [heaving breaths, forehead sweating] Pants. Off. Now.

Luís: [grinning] Absolutely. [reaches for his belt buckle]

Ogden: [raggedly] No. Me.

[they look down at Ogden’s straining trousers, already ripped at the seams along the thighs and calves showing the pink, slightly hairy muscle underneath but otherwise intact for the moment]

Luís: [leering, adjusting his thick hard-on in his own butt-and-thigh-flattering slacks] Aren’t you going to bust out of them? I want to see you bust out of them.

Ogden: [still breathing hard] Busting out – of pants – hurts like fuck.

Luís: Oh. [still hanging back, staring at the jeans, mouth slightly open]

Ogden: Hurry!

Luís: Got it. [he moves in and struggles to undo his belt, then starts on the zipper] God, you smell like sex. Like muscle and sweat and sex. So hot.

Ogden: [struggling to hold back] Wait. Shoes.

Luís: Right. [drops to his knees and takes Ogden’s big left foot in his lap, taking in the rips along the side of the sole as he rapidly undoes the laces]

Ogden: Lu…

Luís: Hang in there, big guy, you’ll be free to grow in no time. [hauls off the shoe with great difficulty, as it’s practically wedged onto Ogden’s foot, then pulls off the sock and sets the huge bare foot lovingly back on the conference room carpet before starting in on the other foot]

Ogden: [wiggling toes of freed foot, the foot seeming to quiver with suppressed size and growth] Oh, yes…

Luís: Almost there. [he gets the other shoe and sock off and then rises slowly up, hands cascading along the sides of Ogden’s powerful legs, to stand directly in front of him, eyes alight as he notices Ogden is already a bit bigger than a few moments ago] Ready for the pants, big guy?

Ogden: [panting hard, staring needily into Luís’s eyes] Do it. Now.

Luís: [grinning] Bossy behemoth. [grabs trouser waistband and starts peeling the trousers down, but then stops partway down Ogden’s thighs] Are you—are you actually wearing purple stretchy compression shorts?

Ogden: [smiling, though barely able to talk around heavy panting] Always – worn. In-joke.

Luís: Hmm, I think this counts as more of an homage. Or a shout out.

Ogden: [huffing] Are you – playing – TV Tropes, or – unnhhh – getting me – out of these?

Luís: [resumes peeling down trousers—and the compression shorts with them] Oh, I am going to set you free, big guy. And you won’t need any stretchy purple pants.

Ogden: [as Luís reveals his gigantic cock inch by inch] Unh… Lu…

Luís: [staring at the cock in front of him] Working on it, dude, you’re so big already these pants are, like, grafted onto you. Almost there—[the cock frees suddenly, jumping up and slapping Luís in the face] Hold that thought, little big guy. [the cock, at least fourteen inches half hard and as thick as Luís’s well-developed upper arms, slides against Luís’s face as he descends, pulling the trousers free of the thighs at last and proceeding faster down the rest of his legs] Left foot up. [pulls the ripped trouser legs off the big left foot] Right foot. [gets the trousers and purple shorts completely off him and tosses them aside]

Ogden: [instantly snatches Luís up in another fierce kiss, then suddenly lifts his head up and roars]

Luís: Yeah, that’s it! Do it! Free yourself for me! Yeah!

Ogden: [grows even huger in the space of heartbeat, shooting up crazily in height and mass until he looks too big for the room, his wide back squeaking along the glass as he springs upward in size until his now thick-maned head almost brushes the eight-foot drop ceiling]

Luís: [looks down to see his own feet dangling a couple feet off the floor, then to where Ogden is holding him tight against his sweaty, huge-muscled torso with two sets of massive, stone-crushing arms] Yeaa-ah, oh god, yeah. Oh, Oggie. Oh yeah! [strains up to initiate a new, feral kiss that lasts for ages as they hold each other hard and tight]

Ogden: [rutting his crazy rock-hard junk against Luís’s bare torso and grunting into the kiss]

Luís: [breaking the kiss to move his mouth aggressively along Ogden’s stubbly jawline] Let me guess, [kiss] you have to get off before you can [kiss] pack yourself in enough to be seen in public?

Ogden: [panting hard, kissing and licking Luís’s neck] Have to – concentrate – can’t now – you fucker…

Luís: [also panting] My plan worked. [pulling back and looking Ogden in the eyes] Let me down a little and I’ll help you out. [licks his lips] Enough to get out of here. Then I’ll take you home and you can show me… everything…

Ogden: [brow slightly furrowed] You sure? [huffs, then raises an eyebrow] This isn’t all just wild muscle-god sex, you know.

Luís: [grinning] Yeah it is. Come on, I need to see what kind of monster junk you’ve been humping me with.

Ogden: [with a slow grin, shrugging his enormous, doubled shoulders] You asked for it. [lowers him down]

Luís: [stares as Ogden’s enormous cock, now apparently as big as one of Luís’s legs, comes into view] Oh, you beauty. [the pre-slicked cock is so rigid that he can throw his arm around it and steady himself as he wraps his legs around Ogden’s tight waist, stroking Ogden’s pecs with his other hand] Christ, the thing won’t move an inch. And it’s hot as fuck! And I mean that literally and in every other way.

Ogden: Less – talking. Already … already close, Lu…

Luís: Oh yeaah. Oh, Oggie. [wraps his red lips lovingly around the leaky tip, not expecting to be able to take even the head into his mouth, but the cock rams up impatiently into his mouth and somehow he can take the head and even more, making him moan loudly in unbelievable pleasure around the delicious organ]

Ogden: My precum – does stuff… makes it so – you can take…

Luís: [looking up with eyes alight]

Ogden: [flushed and grinning] Yeah… that way too… unnnhhh!! [gasps as Luís lathes around Ogden’s cock with a rapidly lengthening tongue] Oh, Lu, yeah, I’m so I’m so close!! [Luís twists one of his large nipples and he cries out] Yes! Oh, sweet Lu! Suck my cock, Lu! Make me blast my cum into you over and over again! Do it! Oh god, do it!

Luís: [redoubles his efforts, taking several inches of Ogden’s enormous cock into him and using his mouth, lips and tongue to drive Ogden to the edge while stroking the massive tool against his tan, precum-slimed tennis-god torso with one arm crooked around it and tweaking Ogden’s oversized nips with the other]

Ogden: [stroking and caressing Luís’s smaller, half-naked body as if he were himself a cock] Yeah… yeah!! Yeahhhh!!! [his affirmations build to a roar as his whole body surges and he starts cumming like he’s a fucking jizz machine] YEEAHHH!! Oh god, Luís – Luís – Oh, FUCK YEAH!!!

Luís: [struggles to swallow it all but gives up, throwing his head back and moaning with his own orgasm as Ogden keeps going with his release, shooting arc after arc of spunk all over Luís and the conference room around them] Ohhhh, Oggie, fuuuuuck…

[they hang there, Ogden easily supporting Luís’s weight, but after a moment they slide gently down the swear-and-cum-smeared window wall until Ogden’s seated on the floor with his bare back against the glass, Luís pulled close to him in his lap against his muscles and slowly receding monster cock]

[they rest a while in blissful, post-orgasmic haze, Luís’s head against Ogden’s enormous pecs]

Luís: [finally speaking] Nice.

Ogden: [eyes closed, smiling] Yeah.

Luís: I think you’re still kinda big. Like way bigger than normal.

Ogden: [stroking Luís’s long bare back with four big hands] Yeah. I can’t contract all the way yet. Also, don’t wanna.

Luís: [huffs a laugh] Cool. And you still have a couple more of these gorilla arms than usual.

Ogden: [looking down to meet Luís’s eyes] You like?

Luís: [grinning wickedly] Fuck yeah.

Ogden: [beaming] Good. Then I’ll keep ‘em for now. If we can find a way to get me out of here.

Luís: Easy-peasy. There’s an overcoat hanging in the closet by the second set of elevators. It’s big and it’s been there forever. That’ll get us down to my SUV in the basement garage. [eyeing him appraisingly] I think you’ll fit.

Ogden: Har har.

Luís: [shrugs, still pretending to be serious] My apartment isn’t all that big, come to think of it…

Ogden: You’re hilarious. [stands up, bringing Luís up with him, then sets Luís on his feet] C’mon, let’s go.

Luís: I’m just saying…

[naked and half-naked, covered in cum, they move warily through the abandoned offices, with Ogden, still closer to seven feet than his usual six and as wide as two of Luís, towering over the cubicles; but there’s no one to see them, and they quickly find the coat closet and retrieve the trenchcoat]

Luís: Just toss it over your shoulders. It’ll do for now. [Ogden does so, while Luís presses the elevator down button] As long as we don’t, you know, meet any actual people.

Ogden: [glares, though his lips are twitching]

[the elevator arrives and they get in, Ogden tense but happy, Luís grinning as he presses the button for the basement parking garage]

[beat]

Luís: [singing to himself] If it hadn’t been for Mush-for-Brains Chuck
  I wouldn’t’a got a giant to fuck!

Ogden: [hands to his ears, but smiling] Uggh! Make it stop!

Luís: [grinning wider] Who would’a thought you’d bring me good luck?
  Who would’a thought it, Mush-for-Brains Ch——

Ogden: [kisses him to shut him up]

[elevator doors close]

[end]


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