Being a superhero can bring up many complications. So who do you go to for help?
“Gimme a break, I was helping out at the homeless shelter.”
“Really? What were you doing, heating their food with your eyes?”
“Uh… tenderising their steaks?”
“Yeah right, if you hit a steak to tenderise it you’d smash it into atoms.”
“I can be gentle; I didn’t hear you complaining when I had your cock in my mouth last night.”
“That’s cos I was too terrified to move. I’ve heard of the mile-high club but that was just taking the piss.”
“Okay, I was late because I was fixing a surprise for you, now can we get on with this?”
“All right, I’ll let you off. So we decided to keep these sessions professional as you wanted to talk to me as a therapist, right?”
“Yeah, that way we can feel like we’re in a proper session rather than just being a couple talking. I know it seems weird but it kinda makes me feel better.”
“No problem, so do you want to do it as Chris or… oooookay we’re getting big. Wow, that never gets old.”
“Keep it together Doc.”
“I’ll try. So tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I’m still finding it hard to know how to use these powers, I mean it’s not like anyone can give me advice or anything.”
“Have you had any success in finding ideas on ways to use them?”
“Well I used to read a lot of comics and watch films a lot, sometimes I try ideas from those.”
“Like what?”
“Remember in that Superman film where he flew around the earth really fast to turn back time?”
“Uh huh.”
“Well, I tried that when my mom died.”
“Did it work?”
“No, it just made me really dizzy, and I smacked into a satellite which pissed off a Russian news station for a few days. Stop laughing! I thought you were trying to keep this professional!”
“Sorry, I was just trying to picture it.”
“Trust me you can’t. You know how in space there’s no noise? I was so disappointed when there wasn’t even a clang to tell me I’d hit it.”
“So what other things have you tried?”
“You ever see the bit where he crushed some coal and made a diamond? Didn’t work, I just got dirty hands.”
“I know there was a scene where he moved the moon to block out the sun, have you tried that?”
“I did think about it for a while but I’m sure it would mess up the tides or something like that so I’d have more to clear up. I think I could probably move it though, I still haven’t found an upper limit for my strength yet.”
“Have you actually been to the moon?”
“Yeah, it’s really boring and eerie. There’s no sound up there at all and it’s all just rocks and craters. Might as well just go to the Grand Canyon, at least you can make some echoes in there.”
“So what would you say is the worst thing about being you?”
“Being objectified I think. What was the first thing you thought when you saw me in this form?”
“Fuck me he’s huge!”
“See what I mean? You didn’t think anything like ‘I bet he’s a great guy’ or anything like that; you just saw the muscles and started drooling.”
“Well to be fair you do look incredible. Have you ever thought to use your looks to make money?”
“I’ve been offered loads of photoshoot opportunities and I probably could make a fortune but what would I do with the money? I can’t put it into a bank account as Chris because people would get suspicious. I don’t need loads of money to live so what would be the point? What would you do with lots of money?”
“I dunno; buy a big house, a few nice cars and things like that.”
“See, I don’t need that stuff. Why have a great house when you can live anywhere in the world for free? And cars, could you imagine me with road rage? Someone cuts me off and I’d just crush their car to the size of a pool ball and throw it into orbit.”
“Is that why you only have a modest apartment?”
“Yeah, that’s literally just a wardrobe for Chris’ clothes.”
“That’s interesting.”
“What?”
“You referred to Chris as if he’s a separate person, do you feel like you’re losing your humanity?”
“A bit, that’s why I really needed to talk this stuff over. I want to make sure I stay grounded and don’t go off on some ego trip.”
“Do you think that’s likely to happen?”
“I doubt it. Thing is, when I’m like this people are either afraid or in awe of me and it gets old you know? There’s only so many times you hear ‘You’re incredible’ or ‘You’re so big’ until it gets annoying.”
“So changing back into Chris is an escape from that?”
“Exactly! When I shrink down to this people don’t really pay much attention to me so I can do more normal things.”
“The thing I find strange is that you almost see yourself as two different people whereas I see both forms as two parts of the same whole.”
“Really?”
“Sure, your humanity and sense of humour from Chris make you a likeable hero, yet your self-doubt and vulnerability from worrying about your heroic deeds makes you a hero rather than being a cocksure asshole that would only do things for himself.”
“Wow, I never thought of it like that.”
“Although talking about yourself in the third person is a bit egotistical.”
“Right! For that I’m gonna get big again to watch you bone up. And there it is.”
“Asshole!!”
“That’s not very professional.”
Okay fine, let’s get back to being doctor and patient again.”
“Feels weird being called a patient.”
“Why? Have you never been sick?”
“Nope, which is lucky. Could you imagine if I had a cold? One sneeze and I’d cause a monsoon.”
“Do you ever worry about your powers hurting people?”
“All the time. If I land too hard I could cause an earthquake or if I’m using my heat vision and get distracted I could look the wrong way and really fuck something up.”
“Do you worry about me?”
“Of course. I really want to show off for you sometimes but I have to make sure you’re safe. Like last week in the junk yard, I made sure you were far enough away when you fired that shell from the tank so you didn’t get hurt by any shrapnel.”
“That was pretty amazing; you didn’t even get winded when that slammed into your abs.”
“Of course not, it’s only the same as a fly hitting into you as you walk along.”
“So have you ever felt pain?”
“Physical pain? No.”
“Only emotional when you lost your parents, right? So here’s a horrible, hypothetical question for you; what would happen if you lost me?”
“Damn you’re going right for the heart strings aren’t you? I don’t know what I’d do to be honest. I’d probably be mad and want to smash some stuff up so I’d most likely have to go to mars and make a few more craters or something.”
“So you’ve been to Mars?”
“Nah, the moon was crap so I just thought Mars would be red and crap, plus it’s a really long way away. It’d probably take a couple of days to get there and I’d get bored pretty quick on the way.”
“It’s a shame I can’t join you on these off-planet trips.”
“Yeah but that’s the thing, I want to share these amazing things with you but at the same time I want to feel human. I want to just go for a walk on the beach with you rather than holding back a tsunami.”
“Okay, but can I be selfish for a minute?”
“Go ahead.”
“Well like I said before, I see you as two halves of the same whole, I want to walk on the beach with you as well, but I also love that you can carve our names into a cliff with your fingernail. I love how you can take me to exotic places without worrying about passports or airfare and you telling me about the amazing things you’ve done in those places. I love you in both forms but I’ll admit seeing some of the shit you can do gets me really horny and I know that makes you bone up as well.”
“Speaking of which, I think we’ll need to take care of this pretty soon.”
“Not in here you won’t, you’re a great hero but a crap builder so I’d rather you didn’t take out any walls.”
“Okay then, I know a nice little place in Morocco.”
“Let’s go then.”